You took my advice and made improvements accordingly. For your final draft, you have to weave the essay together into one whole essay (Don't separate the parts into intro, narration, confirmation and so on.)
Since this is not a verbal debate, avoid saying, "The opposite team said..." Take a look at the example of Sam teacher's refutation and concession.
3 points on your second draft does not mean your draft is perfect! It means your essay is headed in the right direction and you should continue to do so. You have to complete your narration with more research as you mentioned.
Second draft 0 points - The second draft is not an improvement on the first draft.
You just copy and pasted your first draft together. I commented in your first draft grade that your refutation needs improvement and that you need a conclusion. You should also need to strengthen your confirmation as well. You should've at least tried to make these changes in your second draft.
I can see that you read my comments made improvements accordingly. However, your second draft still needs more work. Your narration that begins with, "The reasons why corporate social responsibility is important are as in the following..." is weak. You're just making a list here. You need to explain the situation and relevant background information. Because your narrative is weak, your conclusion is weak. You've just summarized your points in your conclusion. You need to refer back to the narration and emphasize why your issue is important. Take a look at the explanation of narration and conclusion.
I like the fact that you changed your example from Uh Chung Soo to Jackie Chan. However, perhaps you could find the original source of the rumour spread about Jackie Chan (?).
I think you mean controversy (not fights) here, "Fights of internet liberty are still in the now." Could you find sources to support your claim?
You did make some revisions, but it still needs some improvement.
In your introduction, you ask the readers to imagine, then you ask, "Do people...?" instead of "Do you...?" Then you automatically assume that they would not choose to smoke after seeing the grusome image. However, people that are addicted to smoking light a cigarette regardless of what they see... My suggestion is not to ask rhetorical questions in your essay. I think you mean "warning" rather than "prose" in this sentence. "The warning labels in this argument mean not just prose."
Could you find if the sales of cigarette decreased in these countries? That would really be a strong support for your argument. "Smokers from countries where there are images which represent bad influences of smoking on the cigarette package were far more likely to know about the hazard of smoking." If they were aware of the hazards and still smoked, it would not be effective.
"In New York city, there are people who are selling only one cigar.. catching them will be not a big problem." So who's going to "catch" these people? Are you saying that they should be arrested? Please be specific.
For your final draft, read through your essay and revise the grammar.
Try to avoid rhetorical questions like, "can you guess any common things among these three website?" Instead, just make the statements or the arguments that you wish to make.
You might want to revise you conclusion a bit. Again, try to avoid asking rhetorical questions. "Do you want computers to know your whole identification?"or "Do you want to make your computers like "parents" who care all aspects of you?"
Second draft 3 points. (But needs a lot of improvement)
The reason you're getting full credit is because you made the effort to revise your essay. However, your essay needs a lot of improvement for full credit in your final draft.
Please don't barrage the readers with questions at the beginning of the essay. The questions themselves are too obvious... Instead, just start with a statement. "Today, Computers and the Internet have touched almost all aspects of life." is a good start. Don't dwell too much on what you are going to write: "I will...." Just write it!
Does your narration start from the 3rd paragraph? Your 2nd paragraph is just a rewording of the 1st paragraph. You really need to rewrite the introduction and the narration. Leave out redundant statements and combine the first 3 paragraphs into 2: Intro and narration.
If your essay is about the positive effects of computers, don't dwell so much on solutions for the negative effects of computers in your confirmation. Focus more on your positive effects through research or sources in your confirmation Present the negative effects and solutions in your refutation and concession. You really need to rewrite and restructure the entire essay for your third draft.
In "the ability to empathize is influenced more by innate environment." Do you mean "the ability to empathize is innate in humans and primates"? The statement, "is influenced by innate environment" seems contradictory.
I like how you presented the example of autistic children just mimicking their parent's speech. I think you could add that to your refutation and concession instead of talking about it in the confirmation.
You conclusion has improved. However, can you tell us why this issue is interesting or important?
Good job. You still have some grammatical errors in your essay. Please revise them.
"healthy mental" should be "healthy mind" "in a low attitude" Do you mean "with humility?" "more longer" "most richest" should be just "longer"and "richest"
You don't want to say, "It's hard to find logical evidences that support my argument... relevant declarations" in your essay.
You mean "risk of censorship" not "riskiness" Tell us what happened when you say, "As a result, it made conflict between China and Google" You need to add more to the confirmation to persuade us. You can perhaps give us your opinion more.
How does the Streisand effect support your confirmation? You have to tell us.
You need to work more on your conclusion. So why is this issue important? How does it affect the readers? Read the example:
Good, but you still need more work on it if you want the full score for the final draft. You grammar needs more work. You might want to change this sentence "Jenifer Soft is a company THAT has free mood ... shows it well" to "Jennifer Soft shows a good example of a company that has free mood..." Please explain by giving examples when you talk about google and Hyundai cards. I don't understand what you mean by, "they are not enough to consider it." What do they lack? "In the past, the companies... because they are not enough to consider it."
Can you find sources to support your refutation and concession? Your opinion becomes more reliable if you can cite from reliable sources.
You did not make any improvements in your second draft although I left comments about your first draft. You just copy and pasted the first draft.
I don't see any reference to your sources...
You have to explain how this happens- "And people can experience everything what they want to do in a roundabout way through the culture. Also, people can experience their future work or job indirectly by the culture."
And please refer back to the comments I made about your first draft.
I was impressed with your first draft, but I found they are mostly from other sources. Although you cited the sources, I wanted you to state your opinion in your own words. For your final draft, I want you to add more of what you think. I won't penalize you this time, but if I don't see any changes in your final draft, I will deduct points.
"artificial intelligences are all over the our society." It's "the society" or "our society" Please go over your essay and correct grammatical errors
I don't know what you mean by, "you should look the computer has an intelligence."
I think your essay is convincing of the fact that artificial intelligence do not surpass the human brain in the present, but not so of future future possibilities. What would it take to surpass the intelligence of humans? For example, if the computer can only think through 5,000 neurons, maybe in 10 years, they could increase the the number of neurons to 200 billion. What would be the limitations of this progress? Do you understand what I mean?
I think it's because you are trying to prove (convince us of) 2 things: "Artificial intelligence cannot overcome us" and "artificial intelligence cannot overcome us in the future." Just prove one of them. The more specific your thesis is, the easier it is to prove it. Please make the changes accordingly.
Your refutation and conclusion definitely improved! But you need more work on your refutation.
You don't need to state, "There are three reasons supporting my ideas."
Do you really believe that most human's job has to do with labor and do not need creativity? Can you find sources to support you? "because our jobs are dependent on labor rather than on human's own ability such as creativity, entertainment."
How was this confirmed? Do you have sources to support you? -"Also, robots will affect human's unemployment rate, and this was already confirmed."
This is not a spoken debate, so just state it instead of saying that you will do so.- "So I strongly argue my argument is right, and from now on I will refute my counter argument's points. " And leave out, "For this reason, I think my opinion is more reasonable. "
You still have grammar errors that need correction. Please fix them.
What do you mean by this? -"It can make people body dysmorphic disorder." Define what dysmorphic disorder is.
Can you find any evidence of what you said? "people have the surgery not because improving their self-esteem or confidence, but it is just conforming behavior."
But you need to make improvements for your final draft.
This is not a spoken debate, so you do not want to say, "It is not right to beg the question that ..."
You expound so much about the opponents' argument and give such little refutation that I don't know whose side you're taking. Just write a brief description (a couple of lines) about the counter-argument and expound on your refuation.
Your conclusion is weak. Don't just summarize your points in your conclusion. Go back to the narrative and think about why you are addressing this issue. Convince me why I should care about it. Please refer to:
Your essay was much easier to read this time. Did you use any other sources? I feel that what you cited wasn't enough. Please cite all your sources for your final draft or do more research.
This is supposed to be 1 essay. Your essay does not follow the persuasive essay format. It does not have the 5 parts: introduction, narration, confirmation, refutation and conclusion.
Please rewrite your essay for your final draft starting with the introduction.
"Why do not they want to lose their own language?" Do you mean, 'Why do we want to keep our language?'
"a Korean export argued"= EXPERT! Not export You are not solving your thesis. You want to assert your position and persuade us.
I don't think I follow your refutation. I think the refutation should be that English should be mandatory in all schools in Korea, or that Koreans needs to learn English to become globalized. Please rewrite your refutation for your final draft.
You've corrected most of the typo's, but still have to fix more as in, "doubt ablut cartoons", "there searcher "
Can you find a way to rephrase this? "It would be a waste of emotion if people were to worry about the detrimental effects of cartoons because there is really no such thing." Can you leave out, "waste of emotion" "no such things"
Also try to find an indirect way of saying, "not dangerous shows that make kids dumb"
Fix these minor errors and work on the APA citation for your final draft.
Now that you've added a sentence to the introduction, "At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities" you should rewrite the introduction of your essay. To write several sayings afterwards doesn't make sense. In other words, you have too many attention grabbers in the first 5 lines. Since you mention one of the proverbs in your conclusion, I suggest, you leave out all the proverbs about laughter.
Do not ask a series of questions, such as, " But why is it good? Which functions does it lighten up? How does it affect? Is laughing still good not only we truly laugh but also when it is a false laugh?"
For the source, you can't just say who said it (Kim Byung Hun). What article is it from? Why is your essay still in white? I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THE SETTING!
This paragraph, "My purpose that I write this essay is to find some relationship between... So I researched some sources to supplement my opinion. Then. I could find many sources what I want to show my reader." does not belong in your essay. This is just a mental note in your head and the readers don't have to read this.
"However, We can artificially alter the result of sports game." What is this sentence contrasting? Why does it begin with "however?"
"Some people disagree about relationship between sports and the human mind." Who? What do they say? You need more work on your refutation and conclusion.
You have several typo's: "I can't get even noe point."
Although you revised your essay, it is heading in the wrong direction. Your thesis statement is "How TV programs affect people" and in your narration you stated because it 1) sets trends, 2) raise people's awareness about social problems and 3) helps the economy. However, in your confirmation, you have nothing to prove those points. You're just saying people watch TV for the thrill/excitement and that viewers can see and know the real characteristics about famous actors. So how does this help the economy and raise people's awareness about social issues?
"Especially in China... 치맥 which is korea culture because in that drama there is 치맥" First of all, what is 치맥 and where is the source or example to support your statement?
You state addiction as your counter-argument, but the counter-argument should be "TV's do not influence people: That people don't care about what they see in advertisements" and so on.
Basically, you have to rewrite your entire essay or change your thesis statement.
Your introduction is good, but your narration and the rest of the essay needs improvement.
The "Ultimatum Game" is not a good illustration of people's irrationality. You need to find real-life examples from articles or other reliable sources. Rewrite your narration, confirmation, refuation and conclusion based on the posts on Sam teacher's blog.
What do you mean by "the cramming education is in effect in the most of schools"? Do you mean, students cram the information in a short amount of time?
To introduct American education, " According to a article, 'Can Computers... could fix what ails American education" right after mentioning Korean education is awkward.
You need to rewrite your confirmation. It doesn't really support your thesis. Rewrite the confirmation with support from the source, "Can Computers Replace Teachers"
"I’ve looked at a variety of products..." Did you? Which products?
Do NOT start your essay with a question! Especially if it's a yes/no question because they'll either answer it as yes or no.
"policy to control new disease: Ebolavirus" You would say this at the beginning of the paragraph to introduce the Ebola virus, not after you've talked about it.
I'm not sure what you mean by,"traditional information about their citizens. So they know their characters" How does knowing a person's character/personality help treat them?
Where are you getting all this information about Dr. Snow and other research done in other countries? Why aren't you citing your sources?
There are some typo's and grammar mistakes. Please correct them.
But you have typo's. "exaple of SNS" , "whole impotance of SNS" etc. Find and correct them.
Leave this part out of your conclusion.It should be a mental note, not part of the essay. "Then, let's talk about how this essay will influence readers. I accept that its influence is not amazing and some people may think this essay's topic is very natural. They may feel any suprise from this essay."
"What I want to say at the conclusion part of my essay is that my essay may be unreasonable when it is applied to past, or very far future, because marketing is very quicksilver strategy." -I would reword this to something like, "SNS marketing strategy may not be applicable into the far future... However..."
Do not say, "Thank you" at the end. It's awkward...
You've only changed the grammatical errors in your essay.
As I mentioned before, there is nothing unique about, "The Tonight Show." You say inviting different guest each week is unique, but other talk shows such as,"The Late Show with David Letterman", "Oprah", "The Ellen Degeneres Show" have different guest each week. Inviting a different guest each week and conversing with them is the purpose of talk shows and all talk shows have that characteristic.
As in the other example, give examples of introducing new concepts each week (or every other week). Because what you have as your argument is not convincing.That is because you have no reliable sources or data to support your argument. You need to do some research to strengthen your argument and also, you need evidence to support your refutation.
You need to rewrite your essay for your final draft, otherwise you cannot get full credit.
People in Hongdae seem to enjoy their own culture. That culture is usually called 'Independent culture'.- I don't know what you mean when you say "people in Hongdae enjoy their own culture."Can you give some example of people in Hongdae enjoying their culture? Start your essay by giving us a vivid description. For example, "People in Hongdae enjoy their own culture. They dress in a style that seems casual (with torn jeans -specify) that is different from average people their age, they wear a different hairstyle, they listen to different type of music that is (define the music)..." then you can say, " This is called Independent culture." Then you define the term- "The word 'indie' is technically abbreviation of 'independent'. This contains meaning against commercialized culture system. Indie culture is what desires autonomy from current mass media."
"Then, change the question. If someone asks you 'Do you know indie culture?', you might say 'No' or 'I don't know.'. But I'm sure you have." First of all, change what question? Do not ask yes/no questions. Don't assume what the people know, or do not know...
You also need to define the characteristics of indie movies and music
Where are you getting the statistics? Cite the source.- "It is hard to believe that 1,453 indie music albums were released from 1996 to 2007. Most of the people know only 2 or 3 famous albums."
I am not so clear about your thesis. Are you saying that we should support indie culture or that indie culture should find ways to communicate with the public. Although these ideas are related, there should only be ONE clear thesis.
You essay was not to address problems, but to take a position about a problem and persuade the readers to agree with you.
Also, "My father, who is a performance director, met many indie artists... because he had no money." -this statement should be in your confirmation, not in the conclusion.
I don't understand what you mean by, "it is recovered that"
Please don't start with, "I will start by examining how..." Just say, "SNS give people a sense of alienation." Again... don't start with "I will examine SNS..."
"I will examine SNS ,rather, spoils the real relationship (offline relationship)." Try,"Moreover, SNS spoils real relationships offline."
"For these research, I can argue..." You mean "From this research..."
I think your thesis needs to be restated. It's not that SNS doesn't help your relationship, but it "ruins" relationships.
Your refutation is weak. Please strengthen your refutation.
Thank you for advise me and I'll try to fix it according to your advice but teacher, I'm a little bit curious about my grades... I can hardly understand that why you judged that my essay has been little development. I researched about my topic more specifically and tried to describe what it means specifically for a long time. Although I can agree that my essay has some grammatical errors but still can't accept that you gave me 2 points on my essay. Please read my second draft again focus on how examples became specific compared to my first draft. I am so sad that I got 2 points even though I really tried hard...boo hoo
Please do not ask questions at the beginning of your introduction.- "Then, do they reason in objective ways or subjective ways in the case of judging themselves?"
"no matter the judgement of themselves like a mirror."- I am not clear about this part of the sentence. Could you explain it?
"And I stated my opinion to agree with the topic"-This sounds like, you din't want to agree, but had to. I think you mean, "I agree with the topic."
In your example of the kid who broke the window, you have to explain why you gave the example.
"Have you ever heard of Narcissism"?- Please don't ask obvious questions of this kind...
"wake them up from ignorance of their minds"- This is not a nice thing to say about the readers. It sound arrogant, like everyone else is stupid and you are the only one who knows about this. So just say something like, "I want to raise people's awareness about..." or "I want to remind people that..."
"People are thinking in self-egoistic ways like this kind of tale."-Really? This is an exaggeration... Think of a better way of wording this.
Don't forget to change your citations to APA style for your final draft.
Your thesis is not stated in the introduction. Please state your thesis. "Countries(or Korea) should abolish internet censorship."
Please don't state obvious statements.-" Everyone knows what Internet Censorship is." Just start with, "Internet censorship is a system that..."
"The adult websites cannot be eradicated 100% due to inefficiency of internet censorship." Can you find support for your argument?
"Indian government tried to rub adult materials on Internet out. However, the government has had difficulty in preventing the adult websites and failed to achieve its goals."- Where is the source?
"To take an example, North Korea, Cuba and Iran are autocratic countries. .. That means, Internet censorship is used for maintaining unrighteous political power."- You need evidence to support this view.
You have a great thesis. The only problem is you only wrote the introduction. Needless to say, it is incomplete, so I gave you only "one point." One point was deducted for lateness.
Please go ahead and write your second draft. I think if you'll be able to write a good essay with this topic.
Like I mentioned before, leave out this sentence, "lots of robots are creating which has abilities of working instead of humans and helping human to be convenient."- because it sounds like you are going to talk about robots. Instead, start with something like, "Parents are gearing up their children to read..." and then add, "There are even robots invented to serve this purpose."
Don't say, children are "immature" rather say "inexperienced"
"They can have creativity and be imaginative by reading books of various fields at second hand(?)"- Do you mean they can experience vicariously?
"There are many clubs that children or students can express their opinions and communicate with other people and then their social abilities can be enhanced"- Do you mean book clubs? Be specific.
" there are people who think that is reading education necessary?" You need to rephrase this. "There are people who think that reading education is not necessary."
"But I think that from at that time of children, reading education is organized systematically." - You mean "reading education must be organized systematically." "By doing it, habit of reading can be resisted." -This sentence doesn't make sense here. "If such reading education is not instilled when they are young, they might resist later in life."
I don't understand why you're introducing the same ideas in the middle of the essay. - "There are reasons why reading education is suitable for development of children."
Don't say this again. It's redundant.-"Finally, There are many clubs that children or students can express their opinions ...social abilities can be enhanced. "
Please don't ask rhetorical questions in your introduction. -"Then which one has more powerful influence on attraction? Which one performs like the strongest charming point more quickly?" Just state what you want to say instead of asking first.
In your refutation, you don't need to state 3 different definitions of "attractive." Just state the first one. Your refutation, is a little bit weak. You need to add more of your opinion on why you believe so. If you can find relevant source, it would make it even better.
This questions is awkward- "cannot paper news avoid its end?"- Also don't ask more than one question in your introduction- "Have you ever thought about the advantages of paper news?"
It was interesting to read about your scientific analysis of love. You have good sources to support you and did an excellent job.
I think you can leave this sentence out though- "so plenty of people are expected to refute my position." Instead, just start your refutation with, "One of the probable counterarguments is that this one has scientific error."
See if you want to change anything for your final draft.
Your essay needs revision. For example, I don't know what you mean by, "That Japanese education system... had been introduced impressively." Who was it introduced by?
"Undeniably, people know that most of the students are confused with their dark future paths." I wouldn't say the future is "dark"- it's unclear.
What kind of source is this? Did you get the source directly from Japanese schools?- "According to Extra-curricular activity at Japanese schools," and "According to Education standards in Japan"
*Please use proper citation for your final draft.
I don't understand this sentence-"I could say it’s onto the system." Please explain.
I'm glad you made the changes. Now it looks more like a classical argument.
I suggest you define bullying at the start of your narration. "According to wikipedia school bullying is a type of bullying that occurs in an educational setting..."
You've made a list (again) about the characteristics of bullies and victims. In order to avoid that, just take the main 3 characteristics and give some examples to illustrate them.
This paragraph should come at the end of the narration. "If school bullying occurs in school , some schools are busy trying to..."
Your essay was much easier to understand. I really like the way you analyzed how ad's can move people's emotions.
"humans don't know their mind well and can't control well." I think you mean "humans can't make up their minds easily" or "humans have difficulty making choices."
Can you give an example of this-"Human mind is controlled by manipulation well"
You are writing to general readers. Please don't assume all readers took the advanced writing class that you took. So you need to cite the sources for "cognitive dissonance, classical conditioning, decoy effect, approach aversion effect, etc" for your final draft.
"..can be defined various but I want to define it..." Just state the source for your definition.
Can you use proper punctuation here- " An ―attack‖or an ―incident‖can include anything from an easily-identified ―phishing‖attempt to obtain password details, a readily detected virus or a failed log-in to a highly sophisticated mult-stranded stealth onslaught."
SAUCE is what we put on food. I think you mean 'source'--"As we can see in upper sauce" and "As we can see above sauces" and "We can see the background of this in the sauce"
You still have typo's -"Japanese sex salves"
If you don't fix these careless errors, I will deduct points on your final draft.
What you have as your second draft is actually your first draft. Do you want me to mark it as your first draft? Please come see me.
You need to rephrase your thesis-"The repression and greed of the press makes that the citizens silly." Rephrase it, "The distortion of information in the press makes people ignorant."
Please don't state the obvious such as "Today, there are many countries all over the world, and there are a lot of press." Instead, just start with a statement that is relevant to your thesis. "Today, people all over the world are exposed to the press."
Leave this out, " If you can not accept my opinion.." Just start with- " I am going to show you some examples of the repression of the press."
Where did you find the examples you mentioned in your confirmation? Cite the sources.
Please tell us in detail what your research was about. What kinds of questions did you ask? How did you choose the sample students? Were there any variables? etc.
I'm not sure what you mean by, "But the culprits who reflect seriously can receive forgive. And people who commit misdemeanor will suffer forever. According to study people who commit misdemeanor tend to behave that incidentally. " Are you saying that if a criminal or offender reflecting on him/herself should be able to erase their past? Can you reword it perhaps?
Since this is a written essay, you would not want to say, "In conclusion, I argue that right to be forgotten should be accepted for people's basic right." Find a different way to end the essay by giving the readers a closure of this issue.
Do not ask and then answer questions-"is everyone can become creative? Many of you are trying to make your children creative by teaching playing the piano and drawing but are they all creative? Maybe you couldn't say yes." and "How this ability express its magnificent in dealing problem?" Instead, just state what it is you want to state.
"All we" should be "All of us..."
More questions...- "However, you all become pianists? " Just make it into a statement. "However, not everyone becomes a pianist."
Same here.-"can you make magnificent chairs that are greatly appreciated by others? No, you can't. "
The word "stuff" is too informal. You can leave out this sentence or rephrase it without using "stuff"- "like all stuff always have both different opinions."
Overall, your essay was interesting to read. Just remember to use proper citations for your final draft. You need to cite all the sources that were used.
I am not sure what you mean by, "If the boss makes white lies for the stupid subordinate in a row" What do you mean by "avoid fires?"
Don't use "the" before "white lies" (there is no article before "white lies")
I commented that the skinny pants example was not a good one. Please change it.
There is no evidence of research. You need sources to support your thesis.
You need to rewrite your refutation: http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-9-objectives-refutation-and.html
Your conclusion is weak. Please rewrite it following the example here: http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
You need proper citations. "According to studies" -what studies? By whom, where when etc.
-Are you saying that we can get rid of advertisement overnight? -"It is true that ban of the advertisement can be happened suddenly overnight, thinking realistically."
You have a lot of evidence of research, but you need to state your opinion in your own words as well. What does each research prove? How do the researches support your thesis?
You don't have to state this in your conclusion,- " As, I want to be ad-maker in future..."
I think your refutation is weak. That banning advertisements for children hurts businesses could be a counterargument, but what you write to refute the argument is not strong enough. Remember that the whole point of writing a refutation is to support your thesis. You haven't done that here.
How about refuting a different counter-argument such as, "Advertisements are not harmful for kids."
Please don't start with a question. Just start with your story. "In March 2011, one high school student..."
"As I talked before, I don't think shutdown law is..." - This is too informal. Start with, "In my opinion...
"what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments? Now I'll explain them in turn."- Again, avoid questions. Just say, "I will explain what the shutdown law is..."
There are many typo's - "Because of the Shutdown la0.w", "expecially parents" etc... please correct them.
Please work on your citations for your final draft.
"Are you a creative person? What a puzzling question it is!" - Indeed! What a puzzling way to start an essay with a question! - Please don't start your introduction with a question...
There are too many questions in your essay. "But did you know that creativity must be related to the problem solving?" - Just say, "Creativity is related to problem solving."
"Then I'll ask you a question. Where can we gain knowledges and understand subjects?" Please don't ask another question... Just tell us...
"Then who can help us?"- Again...
"thus no one even school could not grow it." - You mean, "no one can teach it. "
"we can grow it"- Let's use "develop" instead of "grow"
"because it denies that creativity can not be learned."- I think you mean, "it denies that creativity can be learned."
You essay is good, but you do have to make some revision.
Let's not use casual words like "and so on." Instead finish the sentence with the last word, "but professional athletes earn money, fame and honor."
" I will explain more below. I will deal with sport psychology."- Instead of saying this, just state it... "Sports Psychology is..."
You have grammatical errors: "My thesis is ‘Sport psychology is..."
Just state your thesis once- Don't state it three times in three different ways..."Ultimately, I argue that psychological skill is also as essential in playing sports as physical ability. My thesis is ‘Sport psychology is much more important than physical training.’ To be clearer, I revise the thesis: psychology has a great impact on sports as much as physical ability."
Leave out, "To start with, I would let you know some kinds of sports psychology to help you to understand the subject matter. "
Just state the main 3 points. Leave out the 4th and 5th, "Fourth, learning how to improve confidence. Fifth, Doing positive actions. Last, using appropriate mind."
If you don't have a strong refutation, just don't mention it.- "Second, people can say an ambiguity of an order of priority between psychology and physical ability."
Don't say this- "but I suggest some field in narration. "
Good job. I'm glad you've already written your final draft. I didn't check it yet, but make sure it has proper citations and reflects the comments I made below.
What do you mean by "ignore this fair facts,"- "Fair facts"???
You can leave out "In conclusion" and just start with "While early childhood education..."--"In conclusion, while early childhood education..."
"By the time goes by" Should be "AS time goes by..."
Your first draft was good as a first draft, but insufficient for second draft. I was hoping you'd make changes to it to improve upon it, but you've hardly made any changes.
Don't start your introduction with questions.-"Have you heard about the low-fat foods? "
Don't answer your own questions-"Yes, of course."
Is your thesis a question???-"‘low-fat food is always a healthy choice?" Rephrase it to a statement.
You don't need to state this-"My argument mostly based on scientific evidences, so through my researches, I strengthen my argument."
Is this your confirmation?- "As mentioned earlier, my thesis is low-fat foods are not always good for our health... I think newspapers are more accurate than other researches. So, my arguments mostly based on scientific evidences." This doesn't explain anything about your thesis. The confirmation should be based on research. Your conclusion is more like a confirmation.
Don't say this- "I want to show my thesis is an interesting solution or idea to you."
I suggest you rewrite your essay. Come speak to me if you have any questions.
Do not start your essay with questions- "What almost people do... public transportation or some other places?" Just start with statements- "People listen to music when ...."
What is "anonymous influence"???
Can you give examples when you say, "It can be different accordance with which song a person listens to." You can add, "For example, listening to classical music..."
You don't give enough support here- "However, it isn't also always true. In the world where we live now, there are happy and delightful music that convey happiness and pleasure to people than the song like gloomy Sunday." Can you give examples of happy and delightful music and the positive influence they had?
Don't use "you" for teachers. Use "they" -"All things you care about"
Are you asking me? This question is inappropriate here- "How do you feel today?" Don't ask questions in your essay. Especially to the reader.
"are you noticing your students' feelings?", "why teachers should check their feelings?"
Are you a teacher? - "Then, can we, teachers,"
You have too many questions in your introduction. Your thesis should be a statement, NOT A QUESTION! "Can teachers lead the student's emotion for effective learning?'"
Don't say, "and this is the reason I decided my topic like that." This should be just a mental note.
This sentence is a contradiction- "maybe it is not notable because emotion has a great role in our lives and control us." Shouldn't it be- "It is it notable because emotion..."? or "It may not be notable although emotion..."
You need to rephrase this-"However, some people would wonder that can teachers lead the emotions of students. Many people would say not."- Just say, "People are doubtful of whether teacher can lead the emotions of students."
Again, don't use questions... especially when you are refuting the counterargument-"How could one will oneself to feel love, happiness, or any other emotion?"
" why same student does work well, some day while he or she performs some day poorly?"
I don't think many teachers would agree with what you said.-"How easy it is to become a great teacher!" Instead say something like, "Incorporating emotion into classroom lessons will make teaching easier."
Your essay is well-written, but some parts of it are redundant.
You can leave this paragraph out and just get to the point- "As I talk about the preference for sweet flavors... Moreover, I will suggest the risk of eating sweet foods for children in current situation."
You don't need to say this either.- "First I will tell you why people find sugar so addictive."
Again, you can leave this out- "I will argue that children’s preference of sugar is worse... theory of children’s preference for sugar."
It would've been better to support your idea with scientific sources rather than with proverbs- "There is a famous proverb... “What is learned in the cradle is carried to the tomb.”
Don't repeat what you said earlier.-"The evolutionary reason that children crave sugar... helped them survive when the foods were scarce above.
Please leave out the question in your intro- "However, do you think that Utopia can exist?"
"The first people who invented"- Should be "The first PERSON who..."
I think it would be better to make a statement here than to ask questions- "However, can those attempts end? Are those efforts can be ended one day? " "However if you ask that question to me, I will say "no"- Which question are you saying "no" to?
You didn't make any changes from your first draft. All you did was divide the passages into separate paragraphs.
Don't tell us what you did in your essay- "I read some thesis about..." "I could found the characteristic..." , "Also I found another characteristic..." Just state what you want to say.
Your introduction and narration blend together in your first paragraph. They should be two distinct parts.
Don't ask the readers any questions in your essay- "Have you ever heard the site's name 'International institute of the Juche Idea,(www.cnetta.ne.jp/juche/)?"
Again, don't tell us-. "So from now I will suggest the solutions about the problems." Just write the solutions.
I mentioned in your first draft that your essay is more of a research than an argument.
I still can't identify a refutation. You seem to introduce the thesis in your conclusion-"To prevent or against their behavior, we should against them internationally, forgo the governance regime, do continuous monitoring about their behaviors in the cyberspace and establish law in cyberspace." So do you believe that South Korea should monitor the behavior of North Korea through cyberspace and establish international laws? This could be your thesis.
Good, I can understand your essay better. However, there are too many typographical errors. You also need to capitalize the first letter when you start a new sentence.
You start your essay with a typo...-"There days" -should be "These days.."
You don't need to state this-"I will support my argument strongly."
You have too many questions in your essay-"does human have spoken the language since they were born or since the beginnings of human?" "how can human speak the language? Does human speak the language by learning or innate ability?" Make them into statements.-"There are various theories about how humans speak language..."
Don't tell us what you are going to say, just say it- "From now on, I will introduce and compare...", "Then I will conclude my thinking..."
Don't use informal expressions like "so on" in an essay- "You can’t read, write, speak, and so on."- Just write "you can't communicate."
You found some interesting sources. However, tell us why parents should expose their children to MANY languages. Why can't they just expose them to their mother tongue? I think you would need a condition here: "If parents want their children to learn more than one language, then they should expose their children to those languages at a very young age." Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Do you want me to count your second draft as your first draft? Please come see me.
Don't ask a series of questions- "Then, what is the mob psychology?" Just tell us what mob psychology is.
Don't ask, then answer the question- "Now I want to give you a question. Do you think the majority are wise? Some of you can say yes, but I think the answer is 'no.'" Just make it into statement- "In my opinion, the majority opinion is not wise."
"On the brain side of things, it is also hard."- This sounds too casual. Try something like, "It is near impossible to mimic the brain."
Don't ask questions like, "Isn't it paradoxical? In the result, it just saves human soldiers not citizens. Then where is the meaning of soldiers?" Just state what you want to say.
You need to strengthen your conclusion. http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
Good- You found sources to support your points. For the final draft, I want to you expound more on these three points, each in its own paragraph.
Correct your grammatical errors- "Advertisements courage..." It should be "Ad encourage..."
It would be better if you could find sources to support this statement- "However, laws and standards are still banning the advertisements from sending wrong information to people."
I noticed that you ask many questions in your essay. Try to make them into statements- "Why does the government... Of course, it can prevent the disease but is it efficient medical policy? " Try, "However, the government only emphasizes washing hands... I have doubts as to how effective the medical policy is..."
You don't need to say this- "That's why I decide my topic like this..."
Again, change your question to a statement- "Why do the governments always make same medical policies, focusing on the symptoms to cure and to prevent epidemics?" Start with-"The government makes the same..."
"how can there are people who have cured?" - Change to "However, there are instances of these people having been cured."
Is this a question?- "let's consider why women are more infected by most of the epidemics compared to men?"- Correct the punctuation.
Don't use "so on" here- "medical system and so on"- just finish with medical system.
Do not ask a series of questions... The readers get tired trying to answer them- "How can we do that? The only way is to change the purpose of medical policies. Medical policies must focus on the causes of epidemics. What is the reason the outbreak of an epidemic occurs? Are there any other causes except viruses? How can we make the radical solution for protecting humans from the tragic history, epidemics?"
Did I give you a grade for your first draft? Please come see me.
Second draft 1 point
You didn't cite the sources you used nor did you write a refutation.
What risk? -"we can prepare the risk."
This is too informal- "By the way, Did you hear about the side effect of Internet?" Just make a statement: "However, there are side effects of the internet."
Do not ask questions. Just state them- "If so, Is Internet really helpful to our life?
Why do you keep asking the same question?- "Is Internet really helpful to our life?"
The reader is not a genie. Do not make wishes to the reader- "I wish you consider reducing the..."
I don't understand what you mean here-"Not only the expansion of this infrastructure that can be used easily"
You don't mention the source.-"In United Kingdom, about more than 14% of British teenagers suffer from the internet addiction."
Can you find any source to support you?- "This can cause the false thoughts of sexual things or leading the cheapening of human life. "-
"By the way" is too informal to be used in essays- "By the way, some people who said that they are the victim..."
You need to find a better way of ending your essay with closure because I use the internet appropriately and other readers of your essay probably use it appropriately. -"Therefore, i want you to use internet more appropriate than before."
You need to use proper citation and write a refutation for your final draft.
Good job. I like your refutation, but I have a question that you might want to address in your final draft. You talked about posting wrong information, but what if the information IS true, but scandalous? How would the Task force deal with libelous information?
Just remember to follow the APA citation form for your final draft.
What is your thesis? Is it, "we need to raise the critical attitude toward the information from the Internet." ? This is not a thesis for a classical argument. This is more of a piece of advice toward internet users. You need to take a position of an argument and persuade us.
I'm not sure what you mean by "until the conscious one appear"
You need to do some research to support your thesis
20902 Agnes Cho
ReplyDeleteYour blog address
20621 조성경
ReplyDelete20621joseongkyeong.blogspot.com
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteSecond draft 3 points.
DeleteYou took my advice and made improvements accordingly. For your final draft, you have to weave the essay together into one whole essay (Don't separate the parts into intro, narration, confirmation and so on.)
Since this is not a verbal debate, avoid saying, "The opposite team said..." Take a look at the example of Sam teacher's refutation and concession.
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-9-objectives-refutation-and.html
3 points on your second draft does not mean your draft is perfect! It means your essay is headed in the right direction and you should continue to do so. You have to complete your narration with more research as you mentioned.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20601 고서영
ReplyDeletehttp://20601koseoyoung.blogspot.kr/
20603 김도경
ReplyDeletehttp://20603dokyeong.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 0 points - The second draft is not an improvement on the first draft.
DeleteYou just copy and pasted your first draft together. I commented in your first draft grade that your refutation needs improvement and that you need a conclusion. You should also need to strengthen your confirmation as well. You should've at least tried to make these changes in your second draft.
20617 이재은
ReplyDeletehttp://20617leejaeeun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI can see that you read my comments made improvements accordingly. However, your second draft still needs more work. Your narration that begins with, "The reasons why corporate social responsibility is important are as in the following..." is weak. You're just making a list here. You need to explain the situation and relevant background information. Because your narrative is weak, your conclusion is weak. You've just summarized your points in your conclusion. You need to refer back to the narration and emphasize why your issue is important. Take a look at the explanation of narration and conclusion.
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/09/week-7-objectives-narration.html
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
20620 정주현
ReplyDeletehttp://20620jungjuhyun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI like the fact that you changed your example from Uh Chung Soo to Jackie Chan. However, perhaps you could find the original source of the rumour spread about Jackie Chan (?).
I think you mean controversy (not fights) here, "Fights of internet liberty are still in the now." Could you find sources to support your claim?
Your conclusion needs more work:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
20622 조예인
ReplyDeletehttp://20622choyein.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points.
DeleteYou did make some revisions, but it still needs some improvement.
In your introduction, you ask the readers to imagine, then you ask, "Do people...?" instead of "Do you...?" Then you automatically assume that they would not choose to smoke after seeing the grusome image. However, people that are addicted to smoking light a cigarette regardless of what they see... My suggestion is not to ask rhetorical questions in your essay.
I think you mean "warning" rather than "prose" in this sentence. "The warning labels in this argument mean not just prose."
Could you find if the sales of cigarette decreased in these countries? That would really be a strong support for your argument. "Smokers from countries where there are images which represent bad influences of smoking on the cigarette package were far more likely to know about the hazard of smoking."
If they were aware of the hazards and still smoked, it would not be effective.
"In New York city, there are people who are selling only one cigar.. catching them will be not a big problem."
So who's going to "catch" these people? Are you saying that they should be arrested? Please be specific.
20614 윤혜령
ReplyDeletehttp://20614yunhyeryoung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteFor your final draft, read through your essay and revise the grammar.
Try to avoid rhetorical questions like, "can you guess any common things among these three website?" Instead, just make the statements or the arguments that you wish to make.
You might want to revise you conclusion a bit. Again, try to avoid asking rhetorical questions.
"Do you want computers to know your whole identification?"or "Do you want to make your computers like "parents" who care all aspects of you?"
20623 최한빈
ReplyDeletehttp://20623choihanbin.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points. (But needs a lot of improvement)
DeleteThe reason you're getting full credit is because you made the effort to revise your essay. However, your essay needs a lot of improvement for full credit in your final draft.
Please don't barrage the readers with questions at the beginning of the essay. The questions themselves are too obvious... Instead, just start with a statement. "Today, Computers and the Internet have touched almost all aspects of life." is a good start. Don't dwell too much on what you are going to write: "I will...." Just write it!
Does your narration start from the 3rd paragraph? Your 2nd paragraph is just a rewording of the 1st paragraph. You really need to rewrite the introduction and the narration. Leave out redundant statements and combine the first 3 paragraphs into 2: Intro and narration.
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/09/week-7-objectives-narration.html
If your essay is about the positive effects of computers, don't dwell so much on solutions for the negative effects of computers in your confirmation. Focus more on your positive effects through research or sources in your confirmation
Present the negative effects and solutions in your refutation and concession. You really need to rewrite and restructure the entire essay for your third draft.
20602 김나영 kimnayeong
ReplyDeletehttp://vldzm5997.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteIn "the ability to empathize is influenced more by innate environment." Do you mean "the ability to empathize is innate in humans and primates"? The statement, "is influenced by innate environment" seems contradictory.
I like how you presented the example of autistic children just mimicking their parent's speech. I think you could add that to your refutation and concession instead of talking about it in the confirmation.
You conclusion has improved. However, can you tell us why this issue is interesting or important?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20613 유지민
ReplyDeletehttp://20613yoojimin.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points.
DeleteGood job. You still have some grammatical errors in your essay. Please revise them.
"healthy mental" should be "healthy mind"
"in a low attitude" Do you mean "with humility?"
"more longer" "most richest" should be just "longer"and "richest"
20605 김민지 Kim Minji
ReplyDeletehttp://20605kimminji.blogspot.kr/
Second draft grade 3 points
DeleteYou still need improvement for your final draft.
You don't want to say, "It's hard to find logical evidences that support my argument... relevant declarations" in your essay.
You mean "risk of censorship" not "riskiness"
Tell us what happened when you say, "As a result, it made conflict between China and Google"
You need to add more to the confirmation to persuade us. You can perhaps give us your opinion more.
How does the Streisand effect support your confirmation? You have to tell us.
You need to work more on your conclusion. So why is this issue important? How does it affect the readers? Read the example:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
20610 도준현 Do Jun Hyeon
ReplyDeletehttp://20610dojunhyeon.blogspot.kr/
Please finish your first draft.
Delete20624 황인수 Hwang Insu
ReplyDeletehttp://20624hwanginsu.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points.
DeleteGood, but you still need more work on it if you want the full score for the final draft.
You grammar needs more work.
You might want to change this sentence "Jenifer Soft is a company THAT has free mood ... shows it well" to "Jennifer Soft shows a good example of a company that has free mood..."
Please explain by giving examples when you talk about google and Hyundai cards.
I don't understand what you mean by, "they are not enough to consider it." What do they lack? "In the past, the companies... because they are not enough to consider it."
Can you find sources to support your refutation and concession? Your opinion becomes more reliable if you can cite from reliable sources.
20609 김인기
ReplyDeletehttp://20609kimingi.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood but still needs improvment!
Can you provide more background information about internet censorship in Iran in your confirmation?
What examples? Did you provide ample example from other countries?? "As we've seen various examples from other country, and facts about it... "
20615 이광현
ReplyDeletehttp://20615leekwanghyeon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 0 points
DeleteYou did not make any improvements in your second draft although I left comments about your first draft. You just copy and pasted the first draft.
I don't see any reference to your sources...
You have to explain how this happens- "And people can experience everything what they want to do in a roundabout way through the culture. Also, people can experience their future work or job indirectly by the culture."
And please refer back to the comments I made about your first draft.
20611 박소영
ReplyDeletehttp://20611parksoyoung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI was impressed with your first draft, but I found they are mostly from other sources. Although you cited the sources, I wanted you to state your opinion in your own words.
For your final draft, I want you to add more of what you think. I won't penalize you this time, but if I don't see any changes in your final draft, I will deduct points.
20618 이주희
ReplyDeletehttp://20618leejuhee.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYou did a good job of strengthening your introdution and refutation.
Now that those parts are taken care of, work on your conclusion.
It's Reebok, not Reabok.
"...suffered people all over the world" should be "suffering people..."
Actually marketing can be defined- "Marketing includes a wide range of things and people can not even define what exactly is."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20606 김시윤
ReplyDeletehttp://20606kimsiyoon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
Delete"artificial intelligences are all over the our society."
It's "the society" or "our society"
Please go over your essay and correct grammatical errors
I don't know what you mean by, "you should look the computer has an intelligence."
I think your essay is convincing of the fact that artificial intelligence do not surpass the human brain in the present, but not so of future future possibilities.
What would it take to surpass the intelligence of humans? For example, if the computer can only think through 5,000 neurons, maybe in 10 years, they could increase the the number of neurons to 200 billion. What would be the limitations of this progress? Do you understand what I mean?
I think it's because you are trying to prove (convince us of) 2 things:
"Artificial intelligence cannot overcome us" and "artificial intelligence cannot overcome us in the future." Just prove one of them. The more specific your thesis is, the easier it is to prove it.
Please make the changes accordingly.
20608 김예훈
ReplyDeletehttp://www.20608kimyehun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour refutation and conclusion definitely improved! But you need more work on your refutation.
You don't need to state, "There are three reasons supporting my ideas."
Do you really believe that most human's job has to do with labor and do not need creativity? Can you find sources to support you?
"because our jobs are dependent on labor rather than on human's own ability such as creativity, entertainment."
How was this confirmed? Do you have sources to support you? -"Also, robots will affect human's unemployment rate, and this was already confirmed."
This is not a spoken debate, so just state it instead of saying that you will do so.- "So I strongly argue my argument is right, and from now on I will refute my counter argument's points. "
And leave out, "For this reason, I think my opinion is more reasonable. "
20607
ReplyDeletehttp://yehyoung20607.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points-
DeleteYou still have grammar errors that need correction. Please fix them.
What do you mean by this? -"It can make people body dysmorphic disorder." Define what dysmorphic disorder is.
Can you find any evidence of what you said?
"people have the surgery not because improving their self-esteem or confidence, but it is just conforming behavior."
20619 전혜린
ReplyDeletehttps://20619jeonhyelin.blogspot.com
Second draft 3 points
DeleteBut you need to make improvements for your final draft.
This is not a spoken debate, so you do not want to say, "It is not right to beg the question that ..."
You expound so much about the opponents' argument and give such little refutation that I don't know whose side you're taking. Just write a brief description (a couple of lines) about the counter-argument and expound on your refuation.
Your conclusion is weak. Don't just summarize your points in your conclusion. Go back to the narrative and think about why you are addressing this issue. Convince me why I should care about it.
Please refer to:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
20604 / 김동기 Kim Dongki,
ReplyDeletehttp://20604kimdongki.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour essay was much easier to read this time. Did you use any other sources? I feel that what you cited wasn't enough. Please cite all your sources for your final draft or do more research.
20803 Kwon Su Jeong
ReplyDeletehttp://20803kwonsujeong.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 0 point
DeleteThis is not your opinion. You can't just copy someone's writing and claim it is your opinion.
Why didn't you cite this source?
https://www.law.upenn.edu/cf/faculty/aallen/workingpapers/Lyingtoprotectprivacy.pdf
Where is your narration and confirmation?
This is supposed to be 1 essay. Your essay does not follow the persuasive essay format. It does not have the 5 parts: introduction, narration, confirmation, refutation and conclusion.
Please rewrite your essay for your final draft starting with the introduction.
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/
20809 Kim Hye Ri
ReplyDeletehttp://20809kimhyeri.blogspot.com/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood! You've made the changes I asked you to.
"Why do not they want to lose their own language?"
Do you mean, 'Why do we want to keep our language?'
"a Korean export argued"= EXPERT! Not export
You are not solving your thesis. You want to assert your position and persuade us.
I don't think I follow your refutation. I think the refutation should be that English should be mandatory in all schools in Korea, or that Koreans needs to learn English to become globalized. Please rewrite your refutation for your final draft.
20818 정연아
ReplyDeletehttp://20818joungyeonah.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYou've corrected most of the typo's, but still have to fix more
as in, "doubt ablut cartoons", "there searcher "
Can you find a way to rephrase this? "It would be a waste of emotion if people were to worry about the detrimental effects of cartoons because there is really no such thing."
Can you leave out, "waste of emotion" "no such things"
Also try to find an indirect way of saying, "not dangerous shows that make kids dumb"
Fix these minor errors and work on the APA citation for your final draft.
20811 박상근
ReplyDeletehttp://20811parksanggeun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate -1
20801 강유진
ReplyDeletehttp://20801kangyujin.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteNow that you've added a sentence to the introduction, "At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities" you should rewrite the introduction of your essay. To write several sayings afterwards doesn't make sense. In other words, you have too many attention grabbers in the first 5 lines. Since you mention one of the proverbs in your conclusion, I suggest, you leave out all the proverbs about laughter.
Do not ask a series of questions, such as, " But why is it good? Which functions does it lighten up? How does it affect? Is laughing still good not only we truly laugh but also when it is a false laugh?"
20810 박민기
ReplyDeletehttp://20810parkminki.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 2 points
DeleteFor the source, you can't just say who said it (Kim Byung Hun). What article is it from?
Why is your essay still in white? I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THE SETTING!
This paragraph, "My purpose that I write this essay is to find some relationship between... So I researched some sources to supplement my opinion. Then. I could find many sources what I want to show my reader." does not belong in your essay. This is just a mental note in your head and the readers don't have to read this.
"However, We can artificially alter the result of sports game." What is this sentence contrasting? Why does it begin with "however?"
"Some people disagree about relationship between sports and the human mind." Who? What do they say? You need more work on your refutation and conclusion.
You have several typo's: "I can't get even noe point."
20813 엄태원
ReplyDeletehttp://20813umtaewon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 1 point.
DeleteThank you for making the corrections in red.
Although you revised your essay, it is heading in the wrong direction. Your thesis statement is "How TV programs affect people" and in your narration you stated because it 1) sets trends, 2) raise people's awareness about social problems and 3) helps the economy.
However, in your confirmation, you have nothing to prove those points. You're just saying people watch TV for the thrill/excitement and that viewers can see and know the real characteristics about famous actors. So how does this help the economy and raise people's awareness about social issues?
"Especially in China... 치맥 which is korea culture because in that drama there is 치맥" First of all, what is 치맥 and where is the source or example to support your statement?
You state addiction as your counter-argument, but the counter-argument should be "TV's do not influence people: That people don't care about what they see in advertisements" and so on.
Basically, you have to rewrite your entire essay or change your thesis statement.
20802 곽수진
ReplyDeletehttp://20802kwaksujin.blogspot.kr/
20805 김민정
ReplyDeletehttp://20805kimminjeong.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
Please get started on your essay.
20806 김수현
ReplyDeletehttp://20806kimsuhyeon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 1 point
DeleteYour introduction is good, but your narration and the rest of the essay needs improvement.
The "Ultimatum Game" is not a good illustration of people's irrationality. You need to find real-life examples from articles or other reliable sources. Rewrite your narration, confirmation, refuation and conclusion based on the posts on Sam teacher's blog.
20822 최은재
ReplyDeletehttp://20822choieunjae.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 2 points
DeleteWhat do you mean by "the cramming education is in effect in the most of schools"? Do you mean, students cram the information in a short amount of time?
To introduct American education, " According to a article, 'Can Computers... could fix what ails American education" right after mentioning Korean education is awkward.
You need to rewrite your confirmation. It doesn't really support your thesis.
Rewrite the confirmation with support from the source, "Can Computers Replace Teachers"
"I’ve looked at a variety of products..." Did you? Which products?
Is "Dreambox" your counter-argument?
20815 장한륜
ReplyDelete20815janghanryoun.blogspot.com
Second draft 2 points
DeleteDo NOT start your essay with a question! Especially if it's a yes/no question because they'll either answer it as yes or no.
"policy to control new disease: Ebolavirus" You would say this at the beginning of the paragraph to introduce the Ebola virus, not after you've talked about it.
I'm not sure what you mean by,"traditional information about their citizens. So they know their characters" How does knowing a person's character/personality help treat them?
Where are you getting all this information about Dr. Snow and other research done in other countries? Why aren't you citing your sources?
There are some typo's and grammar mistakes. Please correct them.
20816 전윤석
ReplyDelete20816jeonyoonseok.blogspot.com
Second draft 3 points
DeleteExcellent!
But you have typo's. "exaple of SNS" , "whole impotance of SNS" etc. Find and correct them.
Leave this part out of your conclusion.It should be a mental note, not part of the essay.
"Then, let's talk about how this essay will influence readers. I accept that its influence is not amazing and some people may think this essay's topic is very natural. They may feel any suprise from this essay."
"What I want to say at the conclusion part of my essay is that my essay may be unreasonable when it is applied to past, or very far future, because marketing is very quicksilver strategy." -I would reword this to something like, "SNS marketing strategy may not be applicable into the far future... However..."
Do not say, "Thank you" at the end. It's awkward...
20804 김다은
ReplyDeletehttp://20804kimdaeun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 1 point
DeleteYou've only changed the grammatical errors in your essay.
As I mentioned before, there is nothing unique about, "The Tonight Show." You say inviting different guest each week is unique, but other talk shows such as,"The Late Show with David Letterman", "Oprah", "The Ellen Degeneres Show" have different guest each week. Inviting a different guest each week and conversing with them is the purpose of talk shows and all talk shows have that characteristic.
As in the other example, give examples of introducing new concepts each week (or every other week). Because what you have as your argument is not convincing.That is because you have no reliable sources or data to support your argument. You need to do some research to strengthen your argument and also, you need evidence to support your refutation.
You need to rewrite your essay for your final draft, otherwise you cannot get full credit.
20808 김준수
ReplyDelete20808kimjunsu.blogspot.com
Second draft
DeleteLate
You need to finish your first draft ASAP.
http://20812byulie.blogspot.kr
ReplyDelete안별이 20812
Second draft 2 points
DeletePeople in Hongdae seem to enjoy their own culture. That culture is usually called 'Independent culture'.- I don't know what you mean when you say "people in Hongdae enjoy their own culture."Can you give some example of people in Hongdae enjoying their culture? Start your essay by giving us a vivid description. For example, "People in Hongdae enjoy their own culture. They dress in a style that seems casual (with torn jeans -specify) that is different from average people their age, they wear a different hairstyle, they listen to different type of music that is (define the music)..." then you can say, " This is called Independent culture." Then you define the term- "The word 'indie' is technically abbreviation of 'independent'. This contains meaning against commercialized culture system. Indie culture is what desires autonomy from current mass media."
"Then, change the question. If someone asks you 'Do you know indie culture?', you might say 'No' or 'I don't know.'. But I'm sure you have." First of all, change what question? Do not ask yes/no questions. Don't assume what the people know, or do not know...
You also need to define the characteristics of indie movies and music
Where are you getting the statistics? Cite the source.- "It is hard to believe that 1,453 indie music albums were released from 1996 to 2007. Most of the people know only 2 or 3 famous albums."
I am not so clear about your thesis. Are you saying that we should support indie culture or that indie culture should find ways to communicate with the public. Although these ideas are related, there should only be ONE clear thesis.
You essay was not to address problems, but to take a position about a problem and persuade the readers to agree with you.
Also, "My father, who is a performance director, met many indie artists... because he had no money." -this statement should be in your confirmation, not in the conclusion.
20807 김재건
ReplyDelete20807.blogspot.com
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI don't understand what you mean by, "it is recovered that"
Please don't start with, "I will start by examining how..." Just say,
"SNS give people a sense of alienation."
Again... don't start with "I will examine SNS..."
"I will examine SNS ,rather, spoils the real relationship (offline relationship)."
Try,"Moreover, SNS spoils real relationships offline."
"For these research, I can argue..." You mean "From this research..."
I think your thesis needs to be restated. It's not that SNS doesn't help your relationship, but it "ruins" relationships.
Your refutation is weak. Please strengthen your refutation.
20814 오재훈
ReplyDelete20814JaehoonOh.blogspot.kr
Second draft
DeleteLate
20819
ReplyDeletehttp://20819josuhyeon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
Finish your 1st draft first.
20820
ReplyDeletehttp://20820johyunji.blogspot.kr
I marked your first draft as being late, please come see me.
DeleteFirst draft grade:
1 point.
You seem to have a solid argument, but you don't have the refutation. What would be the counter-argument?
You also need to strengthen your conclusion.
http://20821chohyejin0818.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20821 조혜진
20211 yeom ha neul
ReplyDeletehttp://20211yeomhaneul.blogspot.kr/
DeleteThank you for advise me and I'll try to fix it according to your advice but teacher, I'm a little bit curious about my grades...
DeleteI can hardly understand that why you judged that my essay has been little development. I researched about my topic more specifically and tried to describe what it means specifically for a long time. Although I can agree that my essay has some grammatical errors but still can't accept that you gave me 2 points on my essay. Please read my second draft again focus on how examples became specific compared to my first draft. I am so sad that I got 2 points even though I really tried hard...boo hoo
Second draft 3 point
DeleteYou have some grammatical errors. Please find and change them.
Don't begin with your essay with questions. Don't try to guess what the readers' answers are.
"refine brain's information processing only in two ways."-Do you mean, "define" or "divide"?
"By the way, these critics have some flaws."- "By the way" is too casual. It doesn't make sense here. I think you mean "however"
"though cognitive interviewing"-"THROUGH"
developed and developed.- Do you mean "further developed"?
what did you do last week on this time. - "It is hard to answer, WHAT YOU DID last week..."
For you final draft, try to correct any grammatical errors or typo's. Also, change your citation to APA style.
http://020223choiyunji.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteSecond draft 3 points
DeletePlease do not ask questions at the beginning of your introduction.- "Then, do they reason in objective ways or subjective ways in the case of judging themselves?"
"no matter the judgement of themselves like a mirror."- I am not clear about this part of the sentence. Could you explain it?
"And I stated my opinion to agree with the topic"-This sounds like, you din't want to agree, but had to. I think you mean, "I agree with the topic."
In your example of the kid who broke the window, you have to explain why you gave the example.
"Have you ever heard of Narcissism"?- Please don't ask obvious questions of this kind...
"wake them up from ignorance of their minds"- This is not a nice thing to say about the readers. It sound arrogant, like everyone else is stupid and you are the only one who knows about this. So just say something like, "I want to raise people's awareness about..." or "I want to remind people that..."
"People are thinking in self-egoistic ways like this kind of tale."-Really? This is an exaggeration... Think of a better way of wording this.
Don't forget to change your citations to APA style for your final draft.
20216
ReplyDeletehttp://yjh121571.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteTV - should be capitalized
"affect us more than we thought." -The tense should be consistent. "more than we think."
"So we receive a lot of effects by advertising, the positive effects."-
How about just "we receive a lot of positive effects from advertising.
"receive to interact"- This should be something like, "From receiving information to interacting with..."
"The advertisements' exposure is so often "-? Do you mean 'The advertisements' exposure is critical"?
Please correct the grammatical errors and change the font of your conclusion so that it's the same as the rest of your essay.
For your final draft, please use the APA citation style.
20210 신종민
ReplyDeletehttp://youwillneverwalkalone4ever.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour thesis is not stated in the introduction. Please state your thesis. "Countries(or Korea) should abolish internet censorship."
Please don't state obvious statements.-" Everyone knows what Internet Censorship is."
Just start with, "Internet censorship is a system that..."
"The adult websites cannot be eradicated 100% due to inefficiency of internet censorship." Can you find support for your argument?
"Indian government tried to rub adult materials on Internet out. However, the government has had difficulty in preventing the adult websites and failed to achieve its goals."- Where is the source?
"To take an example, North Korea, Cuba and Iran are autocratic countries. .. That means, Internet censorship is used for maintaining unrighteous political power."- You need evidence to support this view.
Work on your APA citations for your final draft.
soohyunkim20201.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteFirst draft 0 point
DeleteYou have a great thesis. The only problem is you only wrote the introduction. Needless to say, it is incomplete, so I gave you only "one point." One point was deducted for lateness.
Please go ahead and write your second draft. I think if you'll be able to write a good essay with this topic.
20218 임진아
ReplyDelete20218imjina.blogspot.com
Second draft 2 points
DeleteLike I mentioned before, leave out this sentence, "lots of robots are creating which has abilities of working instead of humans and helping human to be convenient."- because it sounds like you are going to talk about robots. Instead, start with something like, "Parents are gearing up their children to read..." and then add, "There are even robots invented to serve this purpose."
Don't say, children are "immature" rather say "inexperienced"
"They can have creativity and be imaginative by reading books of various fields at second hand(?)"- Do you mean they can experience vicariously?
"There are many clubs that children or students can express their opinions and communicate with other people and then their social abilities can be enhanced"- Do you mean book clubs? Be specific.
" there are people who think that is reading education necessary?" You need to rephrase this. "There are people who think that reading education is not necessary."
"But I think that from at that time of children, reading education is organized systematically." - You mean "reading education must be organized systematically."
"By doing it, habit of reading can be resisted." -This sentence doesn't make sense here. "If such reading education is not instilled when they are young, they might resist later in life."
I don't understand why you're introducing the same ideas in the middle of the essay. - "There are reasons why reading education is suitable for development of children."
Don't say this again. It's redundant.-"Finally, There are many clubs that children or students can express their opinions ...social abilities can be enhanced. "
Your conclusion is weak. Rewrite it.
20206 박찬희
ReplyDeletehttp://020206parkchanhui.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood Job. But you need to make some changes.
Please don't ask rhetorical questions in your introduction. -"Then which one has more powerful influence on attraction? Which one performs like the strongest charming point more quickly?"
Just state what you want to say instead of asking first.
In your refutation, you don't need to state 3 different definitions of "attractive." Just state the first one. Your refutation, is a little bit weak. You need to add more of your opinion on why you believe so. If you can find relevant source, it would make it even better.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletehttp://dlwjdugs0603.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteSecond draft 3 points.
DeleteThis questions is awkward- "cannot paper news avoid its end?"-
Also don't ask more than one question in your introduction- "Have you ever thought about the advantages of paper news?"
20205 박석윤
ReplyDeletehttp://parkseokyun20205.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteIt was interesting to read about your scientific analysis of love. You have good sources to support you and did an excellent job.
I think you can leave this sentence out though- "so plenty of people are expected to refute my position."
Instead, just start your refutation with, "One of the probable counterarguments is that this one has scientific error."
See if you want to change anything for your final draft.
Well done~
20214 윤지원
ReplyDeletehttp://20214yunjiwon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour essay needs revision. For example, I don't know what you mean by, "That Japanese education system... had been introduced impressively."
Who was it introduced by?
"Undeniably, people know that most of the students are confused with their dark future paths."
I wouldn't say the future is "dark"- it's unclear.
What kind of source is this? Did you get the source directly from Japanese schools?- "According to Extra-curricular activity at Japanese schools," and "According to Education standards in Japan"
*Please use proper citation for your final draft.
I don't understand this sentence-"I could say it’s onto the system." Please explain.
20207 변수진
ReplyDeletehttp://20207byunsujin.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI'm glad you made the changes. Now it looks more like a classical argument.
I suggest you define bullying at the start of your narration. "According to wikipedia school bullying is a type of bullying that occurs in an educational setting..."
You've made a list (again) about the characteristics of bullies and victims. In order to avoid that, just take the main 3 characteristics and give some examples to illustrate them.
This paragraph should come at the end of the narration. "If school bullying occurs in school , some schools are busy trying to..."
20203김찬영
ReplyDeletehttp://20203kimchanyoung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour essay was much easier to understand. I really like the way you analyzed how ad's can move people's emotions.
"humans don't know their mind well and can't control well."
I think you mean "humans can't make up their minds easily" or "humans have difficulty making choices."
Can you give an example of this-"Human mind is controlled by manipulation well"
You are writing to general readers. Please don't assume all readers took the advanced writing class that you took.
So you need to cite the sources for "cognitive dissonance, classical conditioning, decoy effect, approach aversion effect, etc" for your final draft.
http://020209seohwajeong.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteSecond draft 3 points
Delete"..can be defined various but I want to define it..." Just state the source for your definition.
Can you use proper punctuation here- " An ―attack‖or an ―incident‖can include anything from an easily-identified ―phishing‖attempt to obtain password details, a readily detected virus or a failed log-in to a highly sophisticated mult-stranded stealth onslaught."
SAUCE is what we put on food. I think you mean 'source'--"As we can see in upper sauce" and "As we can see above sauces" and "We can see the background of this in the sauce"
You still have typo's -"Japanese sex salves"
If you don't fix these careless errors, I will deduct points on your final draft.
20215 이대한
ReplyDeletehttp://chelseabluefan.blogspot.kr/
What you have as your second draft is actually your first draft.
DeleteDo you want me to mark it as your first draft? Please come see me.
You need to rephrase your thesis-"The repression and greed of the press makes that the citizens silly."
Rephrase it, "The distortion of information in the press makes people ignorant."
Please don't state the obvious such as "Today, there are many countries all over the world, and there are a lot of press."
Instead, just start with a statement that is relevant to your thesis. "Today, people all over the world are exposed to the press."
Leave this out, " If you can not accept my opinion.."
Just start with- " I am going to show you some examples of the repression of the press."
Where did you find the examples you mentioned in your confirmation?
Cite the sources.
You don't have a narration and refutation.
First draft 0 point
Delete(-1 for lateness)
20224 최준환
ReplyDeletehttp://mchchoijunhwan.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeletePlease use proper citations in your final draft.
Please tell us in detail what your research was about. What kinds of questions did you ask? How did you choose the sample students? Were there any variables? etc.
20222 jojoonhee
ReplyDeletejojoonhee.blogspot.kr
Second draft 3 points
DeletePlease use proper citations for your final draft.
I'm not sure what you mean by, "But the culprits who reflect seriously can receive forgive. And people who commit misdemeanor will suffer forever. According to study people who commit misdemeanor tend to behave that incidentally. "
Are you saying that if a criminal or offender reflecting on him/herself should be able to erase their past? Can you reword it perhaps?
Since this is a written essay, you would not want to say, "In conclusion, I argue that right to be forgotten should be accepted for people's basic right." Find a different way to end the essay by giving the readers a closure of this issue.
20220 정지예
ReplyDeletehttp://20220jeongjiye.blogspot.kr/
Do not ask and then answer questions-"is everyone can become creative? Many of you are trying to make your children creative by teaching playing the piano and drawing but are they all creative? Maybe you couldn't say yes."
Deleteand "How this ability express its magnificent in dealing problem?"
Instead, just state what it is you want to state.
"All we" should be "All of us..."
More questions...- "However, you all become pianists? " Just make it into a statement. "However, not everyone becomes a pianist."
Same here.-"can you make magnificent chairs that are greatly appreciated by others? No, you can't. "
The word "stuff" is too informal. You can leave out this sentence or rephrase it without using "stuff"- "like all stuff always have both different opinions."
Overall, your essay was interesting to read. Just remember to use proper citations for your final draft. You need to cite all the sources that were used.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletehttp://20204parkminju.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20204 박민주
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood job.
Start working on your final draft.
http://20212woominjee.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20212 우민지
Second draft
DeleteLate- please come see me.
http://mch20202kimyohan.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20202김요한
Second draft 1 point
DeleteI am not sure what you mean by, "If the boss makes white lies for the stupid subordinate in a row"
What do you mean by "avoid fires?"
Don't use "the" before "white lies" (there is no article before "white lies")
I commented that the skinny pants example was not a good one. Please change it.
There is no evidence of research. You need sources to support your thesis.
You need to rewrite your refutation:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-9-objectives-refutation-and.html
Your conclusion is weak. Please rewrite it following the example here:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
20221 정호수
ReplyDeletehttp://20221junghosoo.blogspot.kr/
First draft 1 point (-1 for lateness)
DeleteSecond draft 2 points
You need proper citations. "According to studies" -what studies? By whom, where when etc.
-Are you saying that we can get rid of advertisement overnight? -"It is true that ban of the advertisement can be happened suddenly overnight, thinking realistically."
You have a lot of evidence of research, but you need to state your opinion in your own words as well. What does each research prove? How do the researches support your thesis?
You don't have to state this in your conclusion,- " As, I want to be ad-maker in future..."
I think your refutation is weak. That banning advertisements for children hurts businesses could be a counterargument, but what you write to refute the argument is not strong enough. Remember that the whole point of writing a refutation is to support your thesis. You haven't done that here.
DeleteHow about refuting a different counter-argument such as, "Advertisements are not harmful for kids."
20219 정의현
ReplyDeletehttp://20219jeonguihyeon.blogspot.kr/
Did you write your second draft?
DeleteFirst draft grade 0 points (-1 for lateness)
Your first draft is incomplete.
I think if you work on it, you'll have a very interesting essay. I'll apply the Pygmalion effect on you. I expect you to complete a perfect essay ^0^
The introduction and narration blend together. They are supposed to be two distinct parts of an essay.
You have to finish your confirmation, refutation, and conclusion.
20422정현경
ReplyDeletehttp://20422jeonghyunkyung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteWell done! Start working on your final draft.
20405 김희정
ReplyDeletehttp://20405kimheejong.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeletePlease don't start with a question. Just start with your story. "In March 2011, one high school student..."
"As I talked before, I don't think shutdown law is..." - This is too informal. Start with, "In my opinion...
"what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments? Now I'll explain them in turn."- Again, avoid questions. Just say, "I will explain what the shutdown law is..."
There are many typo's - "Because of the Shutdown la0.w", "expecially parents" etc... please correct them.
Please work on your citations for your final draft.
20410 성진현
ReplyDeletehttp://020410seongjin-hyeon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
Delete"Are you a creative person? What a puzzling question it is!" - Indeed! What a puzzling way to start an essay with a question! - Please don't start your introduction with a question...
There are too many questions in your essay. "But did you know that creativity must be related to the problem solving?" -
Just say, "Creativity is related to problem solving."
"Then I'll ask you a question. Where can we gain knowledges and understand subjects?"
Please don't ask another question... Just tell us...
"Then who can help us?"- Again...
"thus no one even school could not grow it." - You mean, "no one can teach it. "
"we can grow it"- Let's use "develop" instead of "grow"
"because it denies that creativity can not be learned."- I think you mean, "it denies that creativity can be learned."
20424 최예은
ReplyDeletehttp://020424choiyeeun.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYou essay is good, but you do have to make some revision.
Let's not use casual words like "and so on." Instead finish the sentence with the last word, "but professional athletes earn money, fame and honor."
" I will explain more below. I will deal with sport psychology."- Instead of saying this, just state it... "Sports Psychology is..."
You have grammatical errors: "My thesis is ‘Sport psychology is..."
Just state your thesis once- Don't state it three times in three different ways..."Ultimately, I argue that psychological skill is also as essential in playing sports as physical ability.
My thesis is ‘Sport psychology is much more important than physical training.’ To be clearer, I revise the thesis: psychology has a great impact on sports as much as physical ability."
Leave out, "To start with, I would let you know some kinds of sports psychology to help you to understand the subject matter. "
Just state the main 3 points. Leave out the 4th and 5th, "Fourth, learning how to improve confidence. Fifth, Doing positive actions. Last, using appropriate mind."
If you don't have a strong refutation, just don't mention it.- "Second, people can say an ambiguity of an order of priority between psychology and physical ability."
Don't say this- "but I suggest some field in narration. "
20401 강덕현
ReplyDelete020401dukhyun.blogspot.com
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood job. I'm glad you've already written your final draft. I didn't check it yet, but make sure it has proper citations and reflects the comments I made below.
What do you mean by "ignore this fair facts,"- "Fair facts"???
You can leave out "In conclusion" and just start with "While early childhood education..."--"In conclusion, while early childhood education..."
"By the time goes by" Should be "AS time goes by..."
20419 Seo in Jeong , http://20419jeongseoin.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteSecond draft 1 point
DeleteYour first draft was good as a first draft, but insufficient for second draft. I was hoping you'd make changes to it to improve upon it, but you've hardly made any changes.
Don't start your introduction with questions.-"Have you heard about the low-fat foods? "
Don't answer your own questions-"Yes, of course."
Is your thesis a question???-"‘low-fat food is always a healthy choice?" Rephrase it to a statement.
You don't need to state this-"My argument mostly based on scientific evidences, so through my researches, I strengthen my argument."
Is this your confirmation?- "As mentioned earlier, my thesis is low-fat foods are not always good for our health... I think newspapers are more accurate than other researches. So, my arguments mostly based on scientific evidences."
This doesn't explain anything about your thesis. The confirmation should be based on research. Your conclusion is more like a confirmation.
Don't say this- "I want to show my thesis is an interesting solution or idea to you."
I suggest you rewrite your essay. Come speak to me if you have any questions.
20402강수빈
ReplyDeletehttp://20402kangsubin.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteDo not start your essay with questions- "What almost people do... public transportation or some other places?"
Just start with statements- "People listen to music when ...."
What is "anonymous influence"???
Can you give examples when you say, "It can be different accordance with which song a person listens to."
You can add, "For example, listening to classical music..."
You don't give enough support here- "However, it isn't also always true. In the world where we live now, there are happy and delightful music that convey happiness and pleasure to people than the song like gloomy Sunday."
Can you give examples of happy and delightful music and the positive influence they had?
20404 김지우
ReplyDelete20404kimjiwuperformancetest.blogspot.com
Second draft 3 points
DeleteDon't use "you" for teachers. Use "they" -"All things you care about"
Are you asking me? This question is inappropriate here- "How do you feel today?"
Don't ask questions in your essay. Especially to the reader.
"are you noticing your students' feelings?", "why teachers should check their feelings?"
Are you a teacher? - "Then, can we, teachers,"
You have too many questions in your introduction. Your thesis should be a statement, NOT A QUESTION! "Can teachers lead the student's emotion for effective learning?'"
Don't say, "and this is the reason I decided my topic like that." This should be just a mental note.
This sentence is a contradiction- "maybe it is not notable because emotion has a great role in our lives and control us."
Shouldn't it be- "It is it notable because emotion..."? or "It may not be notable although emotion..."
You need to rephrase this-"However, some people would wonder that can teachers lead the emotions of students. Many people would say not."- Just say, "People are doubtful of whether teacher can lead the emotions of students."
Again, don't use questions... especially when you are refuting the counterargument-"How could one will oneself to feel love, happiness, or any other emotion?"
" why same student does work well, some day while he or she performs some day poorly?"
I don't think many teachers would agree with what you said.-"How easy it is to become a great teacher!"
Instead say something like, "Incorporating emotion into classroom lessons will make teaching easier."
Thank you :)
Delete20421 정원우
ReplyDeletehttp://20421jeongwonu.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteYour essay is well-written, but some parts of it are redundant.
You can leave this paragraph out and just get to the point- "As I talk about the preference for sweet flavors... Moreover, I will suggest the risk of eating sweet foods for children in current situation."
You don't need to say this either.- "First I will tell you why people find sugar so addictive."
Again, you can leave this out- "I will argue that children’s preference of sugar is worse... theory of children’s preference for sugar."
It would've been better to support your idea with scientific sources rather than with proverbs- "There is a famous proverb... “What is learned in the cradle is carried to the tomb.”
Don't repeat what you said earlier.-"The evolutionary reason that children crave sugar... helped them survive when the foods were scarce above.
20420 정수빈
ReplyDeletehttp://20420subinjung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood job!
But, do not ask a question-"What about students?"
Just say, "Students are also influenced by majority opinion."
20425 한희주
ReplyDeletehttp://20425hanheeju.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeletePlease leave out the question in your intro- "However, do you think that Utopia can exist?"
"The first people who invented"- Should be "The first PERSON who..."
I think it would be better to make a statement here than to ask questions- "However, can those attempts end? Are those efforts can be ended one day? "
"However if you ask that question to me, I will say "no"- Which question are you saying "no" to?
Use APA citations for your final draft.
20417이효린
ReplyDeletehttp://020417leehyorin.blogspot.kr/
You didn't make any changes from your first draft. All you did was divide the passages into separate paragraphs.
DeleteDon't tell us what you did in your essay- "I read some thesis about..."
"I could found the characteristic..." , "Also I found another characteristic..." Just state what you want to say.
Your introduction and narration blend together in your first paragraph. They should be two distinct parts.
Don't ask the readers any questions in your essay- "Have you ever heard the site's name 'International institute of the Juche Idea,(www.cnetta.ne.jp/juche/)?"
Again, don't tell us-. "So from now I will suggest the solutions about the problems." Just write the solutions.
I mentioned in your first draft that your essay is more of a research than an argument.
I still can't identify a refutation.
You seem to introduce the thesis in your conclusion-"To prevent or against their behavior, we should against them internationally, forgo the governance regime, do continuous monitoring about their behaviors in the cyberspace and establish law in cyberspace."
So do you believe that South Korea should monitor the behavior of North Korea through cyberspace and establish international laws? This could be your thesis.
20418 장혜지
ReplyDeletehttp://kij5549.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood, I can understand your essay better. However, there are too many typographical errors. You also need to capitalize the first letter when you start a new sentence.
You start your essay with a typo...-"There days" -should be "These days.."
You don't need to state this-"I will support my argument strongly."
20415 이남길
ReplyDeletehttp://20415leenamgil.blogspot.kr/
20416 이한슬
ReplyDeletehttp://20416leehanseul.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 2 points
DeleteYou have too many questions in your essay-"does human have spoken the language since they were born or since the beginnings of human?"
"how can human speak the language? Does human speak the language by learning or innate ability?"
Make them into statements.-"There are various theories about how humans speak language..."
Don't tell us what you are going to say, just say it- "From now on, I will introduce and compare...", "Then I will conclude my thinking..."
Don't use informal expressions like "so on" in an essay- "You can’t read, write, speak, and so on."- Just write "you can't communicate."
You found some interesting sources. However, tell us why parents should expose their children to MANY languages. Why can't they just expose them to their mother tongue?
I think you would need a condition here: "If parents want their children to learn more than one language, then they should expose their children to those languages at a very young age."
Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
20414 윤정빈
ReplyDeletehttp://20414yoonjeongbin.blogspot.kr/
Do you want me to count your second draft as your first draft? Please come see me.
DeleteDon't ask a series of questions- "Then, what is the mob psychology?"
Just tell us what mob psychology is.
Don't ask, then answer the question- "Now I want to give you a question. Do you think the majority are wise? Some of you can say yes, but I think the answer is 'no.'"
Just make it into statement- "In my opinion, the majority opinion is not wise."
Again, stop asking questions- "Then, why the mob psychology happened? "
Your introduction and narration blend together. They should be two distinct parts of the essay.
Your refutation needs improvement.
First draft 0 point
Delete(-1 for lateness)
20408 배서현 Seohyeon Bae
ReplyDeletehttp://20408seohyeonbae.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteDo not start your essay with a question-"Do you know a man called Troy Davis?"
Leave this out- "Now, let's find out some general background information about the topic." -Just start with the definition of capital punishment.
http://20423choiminjae.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteSecond draft 3 points
DeleteGood job. But please use proper citations.
"On the brain side of things, it is also hard."- This sounds too casual. Try something like, "It is near impossible to mimic the brain."
Don't ask questions like, "Isn't it paradoxical? In the result, it just saves human soldiers not citizens. Then where is the meaning of soldiers?"
Just state what you want to say.
You need to strengthen your conclusion.
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/10/week-10-objectives-conclusion.html
Work on your citations for your final draft.
20412 심태보
ReplyDeletehttp://20412shimtaebo.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteGood- You found sources to support your points. For the final draft, I want to you expound more on these three points, each in its own paragraph.
Correct your grammatical errors- "Advertisements courage..."
It should be "Ad encourage..."
It would be better if you could find sources to support this statement- "However, laws and standards are still banning the advertisements from sending wrong information to people."
20403 권희원 heewon Kwon
ReplyDeletehttp://heewon7177.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
20407 박세연 Se yeon, Park
ReplyDeletehttp://020407parkseyeon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 3 points
DeleteI noticed that you ask many questions in your essay. Try to make them into statements- "Why does the government... Of course, it can prevent the disease but is it efficient medical policy? "
Try, "However, the government only emphasizes washing hands... I have doubts as to how effective the medical policy is..."
You don't need to say this- "That's why I decide my topic like this..."
Again, change your question to a statement- "Why do the governments always make same medical policies, focusing on the symptoms to cure and to prevent epidemics?"
Start with-"The government makes the same..."
"how can there are people who have cured?" - Change to "However, there are instances of these people having been cured."
Is this a question?- "let's consider why women are more infected by most of the epidemics compared to men?"-
Correct the punctuation.
Don't use "so on" here- "medical system and so on"- just finish with medical system.
Do not ask a series of questions... The readers get tired trying to answer them- "How can we do that? The only way is to change the purpose of medical policies. Medical policies must focus on the causes of epidemics. What is the reason the outbreak of an epidemic occurs? Are there any other causes except viruses? How can we make the radical solution for protecting humans from the tragic history, epidemics?"
20406 남광원 Gwang Won Nam
ReplyDeletehttp://20406namgwangwon.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
20411 심여경
ReplyDeletehttp://20411shimyeokyoung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
20409 서정호 Jeong Ho, Seo
ReplyDeletehttp://20409seojeongho.blogspot.kr/
Did I give you a grade for your first draft? Please come see me.
DeleteSecond draft 1 point
You didn't cite the sources you used nor did you write a refutation.
What risk? -"we can prepare the risk."
This is too informal- "By the way, Did you hear about the side effect of Internet?"
Just make a statement: "However, there are side effects of the internet."
Do not ask questions. Just state them- "If so, Is Internet really helpful to our life?
Why do you keep asking the same question?- "Is Internet really helpful to our life?"
The reader is not a genie. Do not make wishes to the reader- "I wish you consider reducing the..."
I don't understand what you mean here-"Not only the expansion of this infrastructure that can be used easily"
You don't mention the source.-"In United Kingdom, about more than 14% of British teenagers suffer from the internet addiction."
Can you find any source to support you?- "This can cause the false thoughts of sexual things or leading the cheapening of human life. "-
"By the way" is too informal to be used in essays- "By the way, some people who said that they are the victim..."
You need to find a better way of ending your essay with closure because I use the internet appropriately and other readers of your essay probably use it appropriately. -"Therefore, i want you to use internet more appropriate than before."
You need to use proper citation and write a refutation for your final draft.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20413 MINJI YANG
ReplyDeletehttp://20413yangminji.blogspot.kr/
Second draft 2 points
DeleteGood job! You've made the changes I mentioned in your first draft.
However, you need to write a narration:
http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/2014/09/week-7-objectives-narration.html
20820 Jo Hyunji
ReplyDeletehttp://20820johyunji.blogspot.kr/
I posted your grade above. Please check.
Delete20612 송가영 Song gayoung
ReplyDeletehttp://20612songgayoung.blogspot.kr/
Second draft
DeleteLate
Please get started on your first draft.
Second draft 3 points
ReplyDeleteGood job. I like your refutation, but I have a question that you might want to address in your final draft. You talked about posting wrong information, but what if the information IS true, but scandalous? How would the Task force deal with libelous information?
Just remember to follow the APA citation form for your final draft.
20604 김동기 Kim Dongki
ReplyDeletehttp://20604kimdongki.blogspot.kr/
I posted your grade above. Please check.
Delete20616leeyeonkyung.blogspot.kr
ReplyDeleteFirst draft 1 point
DeleteWhat is your thesis? Is it, "we need to raise the critical attitude toward the information from the Internet." ?
This is not a thesis for a classical argument. This is more of a piece of advice toward internet users. You need to take a position of an argument and persuade us.
I'm not sure what you mean by "until the conscious one appear"
You need to do some research to support your thesis
You also need to write the refutation.